No, I’m not trying to make you jealous. It’s not that fabulous. Okay, part of my life is.
I know it’s been a while. And normally writing is my release and fun for me. My life has been turned upside down and I’m still figuring out the pieces. It’s been very informative. If you’ve never had your life turned upside down, it’s weird learning how to live again, but at the same time you find out so much about the people around you, like who’s willing to help pick up and dust you off.
I guess to know what has happened to me recently, one must first understand how I landed back in my hometown. I was still living and working in the town where my college is located. Life was alright. It wasn’t fantastically awesome, but it didn’t totally suck either. I didn’t make much, but I didn’t need much. That changed one morning. My roommate lost it. He lost his shit. He had been mad at me for months. It was a wee bit shocking to me. And it scared the shit out of me. My one regret of that morning was that I didn’t call the police, but I didn’t feel like dealing with paperwork and headache. Little did I know, that was the easy way. Long, detailed story short, it was bad and I was stuck for about 2 months. I get that my parents wanted me to be self-sufficient and not come crawling back home, but I didn’t care. I pretty much lost my job because I had a breakdown from the stress of being in the apartment. I didn’t go anywhere so that I couldn’t run into my roommate. I was isolated in my room, which will take a damn toll. Just trust me on this. Humans need contact. That’s how the hunter/gathers survived and, thus, we need social interaction.
One day I was fed up and decided I was leaving. So I did. I packed my stuff and left, like I had been saying for months. Yeah, I wasn’t the most welcome person. My mom wasn’t thrilled that I wouldn’t talk about what transpired in that apartment, but even now, I don’t want to. I’ve been living with what is likely PTSD. Which also lost me another job when I nearly stopped breathing while having a panic attack. So that’s fun. It’s okay because I found another job and I still work there. In fact, I did tonight, which is why I’m still awake.
Well, I also ended up with another job, which sounded wonderful, but it didn’t turn out to be. I shouldn’t have done anything about it after the interview, but I argued with my stepdad about my work and amount of work. Let’s just say, nothing was ever good enough. I get that I’m not going to work some place amazing while I figure out what the hell I’m doing in life. I work in a retail store. I get that. But I also know that the environment at the other job isn’t a good one. And I’d have to quit my awesome job that I do actually love. The hours would have been 10pm- 6am at a business, albeit growing, is located in my loathed hometown. It’s really convenient… for now. But I’ve been trying to get out of the hometown since I was like 12. I have like one friend in town. And I would barely get to see her with that schedule, not to mention my new friends 45 minutes away… and the boy, too. That schedule would put me into social isolation. I’m still fragile. And like hell am I going through that again.
And I, very not succinctly, stood up for that. I guess another important part is that I have depression and have spent far too much of my life suicidal. In my isolation, I very much so wanted to kill myself. But I didn’t because I had something to look forward too. Here, not so much. Yeah, I can get better hours and pay and whatnot, but I’m still stuck in the one place I don’t want to be. Knowing that, and putting all the pieces together, to me, it boils down to life or death. And yes, that is a massive simplification, but that’s how I see it. And frankly, my perspective is the important one. I’m the one who manages my depression. In fact, my mom doesn’t know I was ever diagnosed.
In the blow up, and I like to picture it kind of like a gas leak, with the release of fuel and this being the spark, I choose life. And I was given the damn death sentence. And I was kicked out. I was kicked out for standing my ground and not just giving in. No, it has not been easy, but was it worth it? Hell yes.
While, my voice may have not been acknowledged and life could be easier back home, I stood up for something I believe in and refused to compromise. I fought like hell to not be suicidal, then I fought the depression, then I fought my isolation, then I fought with my parents frequently, and then I fought to protect myself. I’ve become quite the fighter.
I understand that maybe I would alright with that job. But I know my triggers and I know what I can and can not handle. I can weather this.
I don’t have it all figured out yet. I have a goal and a deadline. So I’m working like hell to make that happen. Until then, I found an amazing support system. Some one I wasn’t expecting to step up did. And I’m hoping like hell to hold onto this person. I hope it works out.
He was completely unexpected in my life and pretty much amazing. And I couldn’t ask for anything better in my eyes. This time I refuse to compromise myself. (Not compromise all together, just things like my morals, ethics and values.) I am a damn lucky girl.